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Life is kind to some and unfair on others. You could be waiting a lifetime for everything you've wished for and never achieve it, or you could have it handed to you and not understand how grateful you should be for all that you have.
Life hasn't been so kind to me, my childhood I barely remember. It was so full of corruption, devastation and wrong doings. It is all a haze barring a few things. My school life was hell - My mental illness was at its worst and I soon stopped being able to understand people at all and became a compulsive liar because I was afraid of people discovering I wasn't like them at all and when they found me out I broke down.
Then I turned 17 and life changed. I stopped desperately looking for someone and just settled forcibly. I almost got married, everything was planned. Then one lonely day I clicked on a link sent to me through some facebook group I was added to without knowing and there he was.. Wayne.
I found him so funny and thought him to be absoloutly gorgeous and for some reason I just couldn't not meet him. So when I mustered up the courage to meet him even though I hated my weight and what not I organised it with his friend and called a taxi. He barely spoke to me, he just jigged a lot and only said hi. Pissed me off.
Eventually we clicked and I fell for him ever so hard. Seriously.. I became somewhat obsessed with this man. Obsessed in a good way though.. not a creepy psycho stalker way. Jesus.
Sometimes I forget what he did for me. He changed me and took away so much of my depression.. he taught me it was okay to let my guard down once in a while and let people in - I just had to be choosy. I taught him how to let the poison out from his life and held his hand through the battles. I fought for him and proved I would be his protector.
I was just a broken little girl who thought her only way out of this living hell was death. And my best friend once told me to kill myself. Oh hey - By the way. I tried. I ended up passed out in the bathroom drunk as shit with so many pills in my system. My sister knocked on the door so loud it woke me up and I tried to walk upstairs to my bedroom without her knowing what happened but ended up vomiting everywhere and passing out again. Thats where I admitted what happened. When Oliver and Matt attempted to carry me to my bed - But I wouldn't stop vomiting or losing consciousness. I spent that night asleep on my mums bedroom floor. Lovely.
Look at the person I am now compared to who I was. I was afraid of everyone. People were able to hurt me with such ease.
Now look at me. I stand up to rude people, I tell them what I really think. If I believe someone to be fake I'll either barely speak to them or not at all. I am trying to build relations with people who are probably worth knowing, people who will forgive my past and understand I am different and I can't help it. It is my past who has created who I am today - It was my past who created who I was at 14, 15 and 16. I will fight for what I believe to be right. I am doing all I can to create a better future for my son, Jacob.
I am a better person. And no one will change that.
Life hasn't been so kind to me, my childhood I barely remember. It was so full of corruption, devastation and wrong doings. It is all a haze barring a few things. My school life was hell - My mental illness was at its worst and I soon stopped being able to understand people at all and became a compulsive liar because I was afraid of people discovering I wasn't like them at all and when they found me out I broke down.
Then I turned 17 and life changed. I stopped desperately looking for someone and just settled forcibly. I almost got married, everything was planned. Then one lonely day I clicked on a link sent to me through some facebook group I was added to without knowing and there he was.. Wayne.
I found him so funny and thought him to be absoloutly gorgeous and for some reason I just couldn't not meet him. So when I mustered up the courage to meet him even though I hated my weight and what not I organised it with his friend and called a taxi. He barely spoke to me, he just jigged a lot and only said hi. Pissed me off.
Eventually we clicked and I fell for him ever so hard. Seriously.. I became somewhat obsessed with this man. Obsessed in a good way though.. not a creepy psycho stalker way. Jesus.
Sometimes I forget what he did for me. He changed me and took away so much of my depression.. he taught me it was okay to let my guard down once in a while and let people in - I just had to be choosy. I taught him how to let the poison out from his life and held his hand through the battles. I fought for him and proved I would be his protector.
I was just a broken little girl who thought her only way out of this living hell was death. And my best friend once told me to kill myself. Oh hey - By the way. I tried. I ended up passed out in the bathroom drunk as shit with so many pills in my system. My sister knocked on the door so loud it woke me up and I tried to walk upstairs to my bedroom without her knowing what happened but ended up vomiting everywhere and passing out again. Thats where I admitted what happened. When Oliver and Matt attempted to carry me to my bed - But I wouldn't stop vomiting or losing consciousness. I spent that night asleep on my mums bedroom floor. Lovely.
Look at the person I am now compared to who I was. I was afraid of everyone. People were able to hurt me with such ease.
Now look at me. I stand up to rude people, I tell them what I really think. If I believe someone to be fake I'll either barely speak to them or not at all. I am trying to build relations with people who are probably worth knowing, people who will forgive my past and understand I am different and I can't help it. It is my past who has created who I am today - It was my past who created who I was at 14, 15 and 16. I will fight for what I believe to be right. I am doing all I can to create a better future for my son, Jacob.
I am a better person. And no one will change that.
Happy birthday to meee
Ah, birthdays.
How fun they were as children, and how mortifying they are as adults. As each year ticks by, we all have that age we fear being. Mine is 30. I don't know why but for some reason it feels so scary!
I have learnt so much over the years and have changed alot too. I'm happy about the changes because past me seems so annoying now. I would argue and try so hard to get my side of the story across, and have disagreements with random people on the internet. I have grown from that and understand that not everyone deserves to know me fully, and I can't change everyone's minds.
These days I strive to educate but not lecture. I want to
I'm Stressed
As we all probably are. My kids are due back to school in September and I think it's too soon, however my eldest son would really benefit from this as the school help him immensely and he loves it there. My youngest son couldn't give a crap either way, in fact I think he is just happy to be at home. In England our infection rate is increasing and it concerns me that so many people are entirely focused on our death rate. At the start we followed the rate of infection closely and as the deaths emerged, made the decision to go into a soft lock down. Now the infection rate is much higher and the death toll still in three figures. Our NHS will soon be overwhelmed because of people who believe we are all done and that it is safe to go out freely. It isn't. I hate being this negative nelly but it bothers me so much that there is this constant disregard for other people. During this lockdown I have really begun to feel ashamed of being British, with so many people doing whatever they
Happy Easter!
Happy easter everyone, I hope you're able to enjoy it despite these pressing and difficult times.
How are you celebrating? If you have children what kinds of activities are you doing with them?
I've been incredibly lucky, my mother bought me lots of things to do with the children for easter, so despite our financial difficulty the kids have lots to do today.
Right now they're sat hand painting some styrofoam eggs, I did give them brushes but they chose their hands and fingers, and honestly I don't have the energy to argue.
Later we will make some easter nest cakes, we used shredded wheat as its more nest like. I don't have the typical min
I'm back... again, sorry.
Oops, It's yet again been a long time since I've written anything. I don't mean to continually vanish, it's just not the same to write something on a phone as compared to a keyboard. Although, admittedly I type quite fast on both. It just feels better on a keyboard, you know? I've been having moments where I think about all these people who are famous for seemingly random reasons, such as someone who blogs, or uploads YouTube content, and wondering what is so spectacular about them that made their success. As much as I'd like the income that comes from that type of success I don't think I could handle everything else that comes with it, and as I seem to vanish so regularly I don't think I have the capacity to build a regular and dedicated following, that and I have nothing interesting to say. My writing is pretty sub-par compared to most on here, and I cannot draw for the life of me. Basically, I have nothing to offer. I hope though, that those of you who've stuck around for
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