Life is kind to some and unfair on others. You could be waiting a lifetime for everything you've wished for and never achieve it, or you could have it handed to you and not understand how grateful you should be for all that you have.
Life hasn't been so kind to me, my childhood I barely remember. It was so full of corruption, devastation and wrong doings. It is all a haze barring a few things. My school life was hell - My mental illness was at its worst and I soon stopped being able to understand people at all and became a compulsive liar because I was afraid of people discovering I wasn't like them at all and when they found me out I broke down.
Then I turned 17 and life changed. I stopped desperately looking for someone and just settled forcibly. I almost got married, everything was planned. Then one lonely day I clicked on a link sent to me through some facebook group I was added to without knowing and there he was.. Wayne.
I found him so funny and thought him to be absoloutly gorgeous and for some reason I just couldn't not meet him. So when I mustered up the courage to meet him even though I hated my weight and what not I organised it with his friend and called a taxi. He barely spoke to me, he just jigged a lot and only said hi. Pissed me off.
Eventually we clicked and I fell for him ever so hard. Seriously.. I became somewhat obsessed with this man. Obsessed in a good way though.. not a creepy psycho stalker way. Jesus.
Sometimes I forget what he did for me. He changed me and took away so much of my depression.. he taught me it was okay to let my guard down once in a while and let people in - I just had to be choosy. I taught him how to let the poison out from his life and held his hand through the battles. I fought for him and proved I would be his protector.
I was just a broken little girl who thought her only way out of this living hell was death. And my best friend once told me to kill myself. Oh hey - By the way. I tried. I ended up passed out in the bathroom drunk as shit with so many pills in my system. My sister knocked on the door so loud it woke me up and I tried to walk upstairs to my bedroom without her knowing what happened but ended up vomiting everywhere and passing out again. Thats where I admitted what happened. When Oliver and Matt attempted to carry me to my bed - But I wouldn't stop vomiting or losing consciousness. I spent that night asleep on my mums bedroom floor. Lovely.
Look at the person I am now compared to who I was. I was afraid of everyone. People were able to hurt me with such ease.
Now look at me. I stand up to rude people, I tell them what I really think. If I believe someone to be fake I'll either barely speak to them or not at all. I am trying to build relations with people who are probably worth knowing, people who will forgive my past and understand I am different and I can't help it. It is my past who has created who I am today - It was my past who created who I was at 14, 15 and 16. I will fight for what I believe to be right. I am doing all I can to create a better future for my son, Jacob.
I am a better person. And no one will change that.